Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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