Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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