in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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