I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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