The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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