I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
