I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
