I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
