Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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