he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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