Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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