i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
