fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
