Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
