I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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