Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
