My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize