someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Randomize
