Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
