I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
