how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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