No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
