thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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