I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
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How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.