How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
