remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.