My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?