I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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