my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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