I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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