He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
