Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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