1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
