Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
