You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She swung at the pinata with crutches
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
