if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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