from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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