Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
