Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
