OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I miss vodka workout Fridays
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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