win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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