I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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