I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
