his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Randomize
