So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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