my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Come back. Shots need mouths.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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