I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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