There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
organizing the empties. That sober.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
