you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
zippers are such a cool invention
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
