No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
