you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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