She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
