if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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