Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
