The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
