You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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