in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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