I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
