I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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