you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
